Cheating spouses are nothing new and normally, they shouldn’t make news. But given the prevailing moral climate in the US and many other countries, politicians caught in lurid sexual peccadilloes make news and sometimes they even resign. Before the advent of TV and the Internet, most public figures were able to keep their personal lives private and whatever the fallout from their indiscretions, they dealt with it privately. Not so any more. Ever since Gary Hart was photographed in 1988 with the young Donna Rice on his lap aboard the aptly named boat Monkey Business, numerous sex scandals involving politicians have made the front pages of news outlets. We can have a debate about whether or not the secret sex lives of public officials should be our business. What irks me about this inconsequential sleaze though is the role that the female spouses (yes, so far all known cases of "monkey business" have involved powerful men) willingly or unwillingly play when their straying husbands face the scrutiny of the public and the press.
Yesterday we all heard about the crashing fall from grace of New York governor Eliot Spitzer. I couldn’t care less for what happens to "Mr. Clean" (or Client 9 of the Emperor’s Club prostitution ring) Spitzer who got snared in Bush-Cheney’s wire tap (sure, they are using them to catch terrorists!). But during his curt statement to the press lasting just over a minute, I cringed to see the forlorn Mrs. Spitzer beside him looking as if she had swallowed broken glass and was staring at an eternity of humiliation. Why do these reckless men who arrogantly put themselves in politically and personally compromising situations drag their wives out to face the music? Are they not men enough to go it alone? After all, they didn’t take their wives with them when they were out "playing." And why do the wives agree? Is it for marital peace or because they truly love their men or is it to keep the doors open for the future ambitions of their gutless husbands – transmitting a not so subtle message to the public, "Look, I am with him. I forgive him. It is none of anyone else’s business" ?
Mrs Spitzer is not the first (nor will she be the last) politician’s wife to "stand by her man." Some do it with defiance helping to build the myth that their husbands were somehow entrapped by calculating, greedy and unhinged women. (Just a reminder: all the women who accused Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct were found out later to have told the truth). But most appear mute and stunned. Gary Hart too faced the public with his wife when he bowed out of his presidential campaign although Lee Hart did not stand at the lectern when her husband spoke. Since then we have seen a parade of politicians caught with their pants down appear in public to express defiance or contrition dragging their wives behind them. (see here, here, and here for a sampling of the tawdry marital drama played out in public)
I do not wish to appear judgmental about how a wronged wife handles the shock of betrayal in private; whether she reconciles with her spouse, divorces him or pulls a Lorena Bobbit – there is much more to a marriage than licit or illicit sex. But I do wish that more wives would resist the humiliation of being dragged into public as marital props by their manipulative and ambitious husbands. Just once I would love to see the wife of a high profile American politician deal with her husband’s "naughtiness" as this Chinese woman did.
Accidental Blogger 
6 responses to “(Don’t) Stand By Your Man!”
Have you seen the clip of Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the Today Show? She suggest that not only should the wife stand by her man, but she’s at fault if he strays. Whew.
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I saw it. Didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
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Okay, this is really weird. The last link in this post now opens to a China Elections page in Chinese! Just yesterday it was a link to a story in English called A Woman Scorned describing a woman who grabbed the microphone from her sportscaster husband at a public function and announced his infidelity to the public. Her husband and other officials tried to take the mike away from her. She ducked and weaved and kept speaking. Someone in the audience recorded the scene on a cell phone and distributed the video over the public air waves. The Chinese government clamped down and managed to suppress the video – but not before it was seen by a number of people in China.
Now the link to the story has disappeared! What gives?
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Our own Sujatha has retrieved the link from the Google cache. Here it is.
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It is really hard to judge people in these types of situations. The actions/reactions are such an unpredictable combination of emotions, motives, and the instinct to survive. The players don’t just include the family, but all those in his camp as well – I’d imagine there is immense pressure for all to rally around the offender in his weak moment.
I do find myself wondering what Spitzer’s daughters think of all this … and also wonder if Hillary Clinton would be where she is now had she not stood by her man, blue dress and all.
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The breach of trust with the children is perhaps even deeper than it is with the spouse. Just as Chelsea was around 17 and Monica 21, in Spitzer’s case, his oldest daughter is I think 17 or 18 and the young woman with whom Client 9 had the assignation is 22. Unlike Hillary or Mrs. Spitzer who have the option to walk away from the marriage, for the girls these men are their fathers for ever.
I am not judging the women’s private choice – whether they stay in the marriage or forsake it. I agree completely that after a large chunk of one’s life has been invested in a marriage and when young children are involved, it may be very difficult to walk away.
My quarrel is with the men trotting out their wives in public to share in their humiliation. Let them face the music on their own. Remember, that in many of these cases (unlike Bill and Hillary where there was already an established pattern well before Monica) the news is like a bombshell for the wives. Even before they have had time to process the information, they are made to go out into the public glare. No wonder they look shell shocked.
As for Hillary’s fortunes – good or bad, for standing by her man, it is difficult to say which way it cuts. Many women empathize with her for staying with Bill. I am sure there is an equal number who would have respected her (and her candidacy) more if she had dumped him.
And thanks for breaking your silence here. Hope to hear from you again in the future.
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