Accidental Blogger

Pig flu is on the march!

Now, if you were recently laid off, and you probably were, unless you're only about to be laid off in which case congratulations for making it this far, you might be wondering how the march of the pig flu is good news. 

Well, it's not.  Obviously.  Even the bird flu was the cause of the Iraq War, and the pig flu is much more terrifying than that because it's new and exciting and the next big pandemic threat to end the world as we know it.  Think about it: are you more afraid of a couple of diseased Chinese chickens, or a global pandemic that could mean the end of the BLT and which has already destroyed Mexico and moved on to terrorizing schools in New York, a city which, as 9/11 conclusively proved, lies at the center of the lives of Real Americans in Texas and Alaska and maybe even Missouri?  Right, you're afraid of the second one, the one that was probably created by those terrorists that Obama insisted on releasing on account of we'd tortured 'em enough.  (Obviously, we hadn't.)

But didn't I just call it "good news"?  The words are right there, in the title!  Nope — I said that the global pig flu pandemic is good news about the economy.  And it is.  If you're worried that you're going to catch the pig flu and die, or if you're convinced that the world is about to self-destruct, or if you're excited about scapegoating Mexicans, or if you're just easily distracted by whatever is dominating the news, you're definitely not worrying about that other crisis.  See?  You've already forgotten it was ever a concern!  And if that's not good news, I don't know what is!

(Yes, really I just wanted to use the phrase pig flu.  Too heavy-handed?)