Accidental Blogger

"Welcome to Chicago, home of the 1908 World Series champions." "We know you have many choices in airlines, and we're just glad you can't afford any of the others." –Southwest flight attendant

Southwest employees are known for their unorthodox in-flight announcements. Apparently, they are at their best on short hops between Texas cities – Houston, Dallas, Austin etc., which serve as daily /weekly commuter flights for many Texans. The flight attendants some times let loose on longer legs too. About five years ago, on my way from Los Angeles to Houston on a Soutwest flight, we were treated to an unusual safety announcement. I don't exactly remember everything that was said. I will try and recollect some of it as best as I can. 

Welcome to Southwest Flight # *** from Los Angeles to Houston. My name is *** and I will be your flight attendant and cheerleader on this flight. Our flight time is estimated to be 3 hours and 15 minutes. The weather in Houston is currently clear skies and 86 degrees.

Please keep your seat belts on during take-off, landing and when the Captain turns the seat belt light on. Seat belts should be worn tight and low around your waist like J-Lo wears her pants. (Jennifer Lopez was hot property five years ago)

This is a non-whining, non-complaining, non-smoking flight. FDA regulations prohibit smoking on all flights. Bathrooms on this plane are equipped with smoke detectors and video cameras. Tampering with the smoke detectors may result in a fine of up to $ xxx. If you think you can not put up with the no-smoking regulations, there are four exits on this plane.

In case of emergency landing or evacuation over water, your seat cushions can be used as flotation devices; in the event of a water landing please use them to stay afloat and then kick-paddle, kick-paddle to the nearest shore. A Southwest attendant will follow closely with complimentary peanuts and soft drinks.  

Should the cabin lose pressure during flight, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please pull the mask over your own face and breathe normally before assisting children and husband with theirs.  

There was more. Some readers may be very familiar with the shtik. I have just heard it once although I have flown Southwest quite a few times. During the above mentioned L.A – Houston flight, a  Chinese gentleman with limited command of English, complained that he had not understood anything that the flight attendant had announced and also he couldn't properly hear her words because the other passengers were laughing. He was given a set of written safety instructions with diagrams. 

(Note: you can probably tell that as far as substantive blogging goes, I am running on empty these days)