Ruchira had sent me the following link: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/editorial/outlook/3860135.html
to Ellen Goodman’s article on chron.com about mommy wars and
the endless back-and-forth that goes on as yet another study is put out or
another book launched by guilt-ridden-or-not Mommies. For instance, today’s
Yahoo news claims that work and motherhood are a healthy combination for women:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060514/hl_nm/women_dc_1.
This study indicates that WOHMs have better health and lower
rates of obesity than SAHMs. I’m just as sure that a few weeks from now,
another think-tank will put out a study proving the exact opposite.
As a once-engineer, now Jill-of-all-trades mom at
home, motherhood has forced me to look at myself in a larger context. I
was a pretty successful and competent engineer. I enjoyed my work and
interaction with my work team and was pocketing a comfortable salary. Why did I
throw it away and resign a year after my second kid was born? Let me explain
the progression of events that led to this decision.
I had been working in India for a couple of years before marriage. After marriage, I was one of the hordes
of H4 visa holders barred from working who accompanied their husbands at the
height of the IT boom. Like many Indian wives, I ended up having my first kid
during this period- perfect timing, since I could devote my time to the
exclusive care of my baby for the first 3 years while we waited for our green
cards. As soon as was reasonable, I parked my 3-year old in the nearest day
care and started on a job search, which took about six months before I landed a
couple of prospects. I eagerly jumped into the fray of the workplace, relishing
adult interaction that I had been starved for as a mother with a tiny kid and
even tinier social circle. My son adjusted with minimal pain to the new
routine, I thought. I wasn’t any less of a mommy in that I still
shouldered the major burden of household chores and childcare, but I could
switch off all those concerns when I got to work and switch back to mommy mode
when I picked up my son from the daycare.
Three years down the line, we had moved
into a house in the suburbs, juggling household chores, yard work, baseball
practice, swim lessons, piano with the demands of work and quality time with my
son. “You should have another kid, before it’s too late”,my mom urged, and I
thought deeply about it before concurring- having been an only child for a long
time till my sister arrived when I was 14 years old. I had my plans to try and
ensure that my baby would spend at least the whole first year at home, partly
with my parents-in-law who were coming to help at delivery time, and the rest with
me taking a 6 month unpaid leave-of-absence after they returned to India. She
was to go to a well-trusted daycare after that.
Enter Baby # 2. This one had a mind of her own, wouldn’t
breastfeed well, having developed nipple confusion over the few bottles of
formula that I gave her under doctor’s orders. It was an uphill battle, with
the lousy latch, baby blues, etc. I was positively grateful in a weird way to
return to work at 6 weeks post-partum. I pumped milk for her at work,
persevering with trying to correct the bad latch at home, nursing exclusively
on the weekends. My mother-in-law was a bit puzzled at my insistence on
breastfeeding, but was extremely supportive. In a way, it preserved a physical
connection between me and my baby that helped me continue to connect with her,
despite the 8 hour absence during the day. My son was engaged happily enough by
his school, his grandfather, and other activities that I continued to chauffeur
him to. A few weeks before my in-laws
returned to India,
I used up my remaining FMLA leave in tandem with a 6 month leave-of-absence. I
had already streamlined a lot of my main work and divested myself of it to
others in my work team, going into a strange sort of shutdown mode.
What followed was a sort of Baby moon, lazy days swimming
into each other. The breastfeeding was going great, both my kids flourished
with the easier routine that my being at home afforded. My daughter had changed
into the sunniest baby, a remarkable difference from the early months of fussiness
and whininess.
At the end of my leave-of-absence, I took my now almost 1
year old and barely ambulatory kid to the daycare for a trial day. I left her
in the toddler room, where swarms of snot-nosed kids descended upon me, all
vying for attention from the extra adult in the room. By the time I was able to
slip away, my daughter set up an anguished cry, which one of the teachers in
the hallway assured me would go away in a little while. It echoed after me as I
walked to the far end of the hall for what seemed like an eternity. I stepped
outside the building for about 10 minutes, taking deep breaths to calm myself- “This
was going to work- she would adjust to the daycare, just as her brother had” I
told myself. When I walked inside, I could still hear her crying and rushed to
the toddler room. There were two caregivers in the room- one was outside the
play area, answering the phone. The other had two kids seated on her lap, while
my daughter was crying inconsolably at the gate that separated the play area in
the room from the food area. I swooped down and lifted her up, walked out of
the room and ran to my car. At home, after much tearful agonizing and
recounting of the day’s experience, I discussed our options with my husband and
we decided that it would be best if I resigned my job to stay home with our
daughter, at least for a couple of years.
It’s been 4 ½ years since that decision, and my daughter is
now in a half-day K program. I feel that this was a worthwhile choice, despite
the loss of income and greater pressure on my husband as a single-income
family. Having seen both sides of the coin, I can honestly say that it is truly
a personal decision. There are no hard and fast conclusions that can be drawn
about any mother based on their decisions. My choice doesn’t make me the better
mother, nor does it make me a worse one in the case of my older kid, who had
less one-on-one time with me than his sister.
I will return to the workplace someday, but on my terms,
retrained and ready for the new challenges that I will face in the ever-changing
job market. And I will have done so in a way that worked for our family.
Dear Reader, your
reality and needs may be different and your decision is the best for you and
your family. Never let anybody, studies or books tell you the contrary!